Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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