'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
