textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
