She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
