Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize