I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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