That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
