you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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