She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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