i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
