Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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