Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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