Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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