New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
