I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
