she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
