oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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