Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
