I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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