You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
