after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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