I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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