Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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