There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
