I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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