remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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