You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
