Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
ttyl tear gas
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
