There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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