I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
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