these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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