If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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