You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i need some magic done to my vagina
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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