you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
