do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
