I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
