Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
