how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
