her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
