my phone needs a breathalizer
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
