I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
