apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There r osticjed everywhere
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you had me at cake vodka
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
