maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
