Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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