So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
