Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
