I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Can you bring me the toilet please
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
