Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
