would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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