hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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