Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
