Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
