So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Ketchup is God's man juice
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
