You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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