I wish you could order shots online.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
