I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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