I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i out mim tonsoeep
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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