Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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