I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
