The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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