I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
