They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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