His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
