I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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