I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Randomize
