I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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