He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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