Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the day after is always just damage control
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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