New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
