She's JV to your varsity
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
