I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
