people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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